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Back to work tomorrow...

Tomorrow will be my first day back at work since December 15th.  I have VERY mixed feelings about it.  I'm super nervous, because my job is pretty physically demanding, so I'll be on my feet all day and I'm not sure how my body will handle it, seeing as small tasks like going to the grocery store or over to my mom's seem like a big deal these days.  I was hoping that when I went back, I would at least have good news to tell everyone.  Unfortunately, that's not the case.  I don't necessarily have any BAD news yet, but I definitely have been noticing more and more since I've come off the dexamethasone that I still feel like I have Cushing's.

As some of you may know, I'm not the best at holding it together (I cry if someone looks at me funny...it's a problem).  I'm really nervous for everyone to ask how I'm doing and why I was out for so long because I don't think I'll be able to answer those questions without tears, and I HATE crying at work.  The girls I work with are mostly great, but sometimes having people ask you OMG ARE YOU OK 26 times when you're trying to pull it together doesn't help.  I have been dealing with this kind of situation recently with friends and family by downplaying everything, and joking about how I always somehow manage to beat the odds, and not in a good way.

The good news about going back to work is I'll have something else to focus on instead of dwelling on ME all the time.  It's been tough to keep a positive outlook about everything recently.  I was SURE the first surgery would work, and when it didn't I kept my chin up and was absolutely POSITIVE the second one would.  Now I am crossing my fingers that something will eventually work...but that's a hard thing to focus on and be positive about when no one can explain why the last two tries didn't.

Bottom line - excited to have a sense of purpose again, get my mind off of things a little bit, and get out of the house, but nervous about that first hour or so tomorrow when I'll have to try really hard to keep it together when the questions start rolling in.  Wish me luck!

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