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Cushing's Awareness Challenge - Day 19 - What Cushing's has Taken from me

This is a topic I've been trying to avoid since I started blogging every day.  I wrote about a similar subject, how my life trajectory has changed, but at least there were some positive things there.

What has Cushing's stolen from me?

Cushing's stole what little self esteem I had before this mess.  I have always been very self conscious and embarrassed about my body.  I felt like I was never thin enough.  I look back at pictures and now would give ANYTHING to look like I did when I thought I was fat.  I didn't know then how bad it would get.  At almost 300lbs before my BLA, I took a weekend away with one of my best friends.  While I was changing into my bathing suit in the hotel bathroom, I couldn't stop staring at my self - I had had no idea how big I was until I put that bathing suit on.  My thighs were huge and dimpled, my belly looked like I was nine months pregnant (I often pretended I was to people who would ask), and I felt awful.  I still feel like I have a long way to go, even after losing 100lbs.

Cushing's stole my friends.  I have not been good at maintaining friendships the last few years.  I have a solid 1 friend from high school that I still talk to, and almost none from college that I talk to on a regular basis.  I used to feel so guilty about that and hurt, until I read or heard someone say that you don't have to be upset when friendships end, they were your friend when you needed them most but sometimes good friends do not last forever.  I couldn't have gotten through college without them, and will always love them but I don't have to be sad about it anymore.

Cushing's almost stole my life.  Not only did I spend a night in the hospital with 4 or 5 doctors and nurses watching me at all times while they poured ice on me to try and get my fever down when nothing else was working (my mom thought I was going to die that night), but Cushing's brings on a depression that I have never known before.  I have constantly felt like I'm not good enough to keep living and I couldn't deal with one more day of doctors appointments and illnesses, but somehow, I don't know how, I get through the day.  I have had conversations with my mom about what I want her to do if anything happens to me after hearing about deaths of other people with Cushing's in our support group.  I wrote letters to my family and friends and store it on my computer just so my family would know that I loved them.  I never imagined much of my early twenties would be spent hoping I'd get through the night.

Cushing's stole a lot from em that I could have never guessed, but I am one of the lucky ones, that didn't have a heart attack or stroke from the stress on my body.


Comments

  1. Hi!

    I've been following your blog for a couple of months now. I'm from Norway, so i'm sorry if my english isn't good. I'm in the process of getting a diagnosis, and the doctors highly suspect Cushing's. Some of my concerns about Cushing's is if it's possible to have children. Do you know anything about this?

    I understand if this is something you do not wish to talk about.

    I wish you all the best!

    Sincerely, Carina

    ReplyDelete
  2. A lot of people, some even WHILE they have Cushing's, can still get pregnant. If you end up having pituitary surgery you may need to discuss with your doctor if there are any hormone deficiencies that need to be corrected so you will have the best chance. A lot of the women I know with Cushing's have had children.

    ReplyDelete

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