Skip to main content

31

This weekend I will 31.  Every year on my birthday, I have the thought, wow, I made it to this age. There was a time where I didn't think I would get to be 31.

I know that sounds dramatic, but with Cushing's Disease, multiple major surgeries, you know the rest, I have had multiple times where I didn't think I would, or didn't want to, live through it.

My life is far from perfect now.  I am not working.  I was denied disability again. I wonder what I'm doing with my life, how will I ever make a difference in this world. What is my purpose? Why am I here, still, today?

But there are always things that are great.  I live for Huck, I live for my family, I live for the hope of a better day, a day without illness.  Right now, I'm living for planning a family vacation next summer.  Or a trip to MV this summer.  Or dinner with friends Saturday night.

It is sometimes too easy to give up. Feeling like I can't do this for another day.  I can't wake up in pain again, or lay awake another night. I can't drive to the hospital again.  I just CAN NOT.  But I think of the reasons why I keep going, and it gets me through another day.

I hate to be so depressing on my birthday, but this is what is real.  Sometimes, what you see on someone's blog, or on social media, isn't telling the whole story.  EVERY SINGLE PERSON on this earth struggles.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Talk About the Sh*t you Don't Want to Talk About

I haven't updated this blog in a very long time.  I actually deleted a ton of posts while I was applying for social security disability. I posted about Cushing's Awareness day earlier this week on facebook, so I guess I'm in a sharing mood.

Anyway, for anyone who even reads this, I was watching a documentary on Netflix about a teenager with anorexia and mental illness who found meaning in her life through yoga. (It's called I Am Maris). It's kind of the reason for this post.

To start - let's go back to June 2018. My grandmother died.  She lived a wonderful long life, but it was especially hard on me.  She was the reason I got out of bed every day, my best friend, and so much more. I actually don't remember how I got through most of the summer.

In the span of two weeks at the end of August, my mom turned 60, we went on a family vacation to the vineyard, my best friend got married, and I wanted to kill myself.  Yeah, you read that right. The day after return…

The Challenges of Getting a Diagnosis

I have been asked about this so many times, and talk about it a lot, whenever someone asks me about Cushing's.  So many people have the same experience - KNOWING you have Cushing's, and seeing 5, 10, 20, or more doctors over the course of many years before you officially have a diagnosis.  I would say this is one of the most common links I have with other "Cushies".  We all fought for a diagnosis, heard we were just fat and depressed, waited with hope after every test, until a day came when one test came back high, or a brain MRI showed a tumor in the pituitary gland.

I think the reason I haven't written about it is because it's one of the hardest things to sit down and spend time on.  It's painful, and of course, I can't help but wonder what my life might be like today if I was diagnosed sooner.  Would I have needed an adrenalectomy?  Or for that matter, a second pituitary surgery? Would I have as many health issues after Cushing's?  It's ha…

Keeping in Touch

I have found it harder and harder to keep in touch with friends lately. I feel like it should be the opposite, with these smartphones in our hands 24/7, but I just feel more isolated.

A big part of the problem it is that I live at least an hour away from most of my friends, if not more.  There's not a lot of friends that I can call last minute to say "Hey, want to do something?".  Any activity takes more planning, more effort on both sides.  I often hesitate to plan something too far in advance because I'm worried I might have to cancel if I don't feel up to it.

I tend to plan more group events where I have the control, like yearly trips to Martha's Vineyard (which is so so soon!), where I usually have my own car, and it tends to be a slower paced weekend.  I won't inconvenience anyone when I need to take a break.

I need to make more of an effort, I know that.  And if I cancel on you once or twice, don't take it personally.  It's probably just be…