Skip to main content

31

This weekend I will 31.  Every year on my birthday, I have the thought, wow, I made it to this age. There was a time where I didn't think I would get to be 31.

I know that sounds dramatic, but with Cushing's Disease, multiple major surgeries, you know the rest, I have had multiple times where I didn't think I would, or didn't want to, live through it.

My life is far from perfect now.  I am not working.  I was denied disability again. I wonder what I'm doing with my life, how will I ever make a difference in this world. What is my purpose? Why am I here, still, today?

But there are always things that are great.  I live for Huck, I live for my family, I live for the hope of a better day, a day without illness.  Right now, I'm living for planning a family vacation next summer.  Or a trip to MV this summer.  Or dinner with friends Saturday night.

It is sometimes too easy to give up. Feeling like I can't do this for another day.  I can't wake up in pain again, or lay awake another night. I can't drive to the hospital again.  I just CAN NOT.  But I think of the reasons why I keep going, and it gets me through another day.

I hate to be so depressing on my birthday, but this is what is real.  Sometimes, what you see on someone's blog, or on social media, isn't telling the whole story.  EVERY SINGLE PERSON on this earth struggles.


Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Talk About the Sh*t you Don't Want to Talk About

I haven't updated this blog in a very long time.  I actually deleted a ton of posts while I was applying for social security disability. I posted about Cushing's Awareness day earlier this week on facebook, so I guess I'm in a sharing mood. Anyway, for anyone who even reads this, I was watching a documentary on Netflix about a teenager with anorexia and mental illness who found meaning in her life through yoga. (It's called I Am Maris). It's kind of the reason for this post. To start - let's go back to June 2018. My grandmother died.  She lived a wonderful long life, but it was especially hard on me.  She was the reason I got out of bed every day, my best friend, and so much more. I actually don't remember how I got through most of the summer. In the span of two weeks at the end of August, my mom turned 60, we went on a family vacation to the vineyard, my best friend got married, and I wanted to kill myself.  Yeah, you read that right. The day after re
Post a Comment
Read more

Happy New Year!

Happy 2018!  I hope this year is a good one for everyone.  2017 was not the best year for me, and it seems like a lot of people relate to that, either for personal reasons or global ones. 2017 started off with me being in the second month of unemployment.  I had just been denied social security disability for the first time this go around, and was feeling sicker than ever. Over the last year, I've faced more challenges than I ever thought I could, and somehow made it to where I am today. In 2018, I'm looking forward to finally being approved for disability.  I am also looking forward to some resolved health issues, or at least next steps in figuring out what is wrong. I hope 2018 is a happy and (relatively) healthy year. Happy New Year!
Post a Comment
Read more

10 days at MGH

It's been 10 days, and I am still in the hospital.  I walk two or three (very short) laps around this floor and my heart rate is upwards of 130, my lips, fingers, and toes are increasingly blue-tinged.  My oxygen saturation levels are even lower now, after sitting here for over a week.  So what have we accomplished so far?  Let me tell you. I had the arterial blood gas sampling done on Sunday.  It took a couple more tries but success!  It was of course, painful but nothing that I couldn't handle, especially if it meant an answer and an easy fix.  My arterial blood looked very dark as she was drawing it out, not the bright red oxygenated blood you usually see from arteries.  The doctor commented on this, and said that it was very interesting. Unfortunately, I did not have an abnormal level of methemoglobin.  So that ruled out methemoglobinemia .  The plan was to have an echocardiogram on Monday.  After waiting most of the day, I got pushed to the next day's schedule
2 comments
Read more